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Question:
[Editor's note: "Ask HR" got this question from an academic library. As readers will see, the question and answer explore issues about identity that may impact some readers deeply. We welcome your comments on how to address questions of about personal and sensitive topics in the work environment effectively and compassionately; comments may be sent to [email protected].]
I have a work-study student who has worked for me since they were a Freshman, they are now a Junior. I have noticed that this student is transitioning, their voice is deeper, they now have facial hair, etc. I have always referred to them by their government name, but when looking at some of their art work, I noticed they use a different name.
How do I ask what name they would prefer me to use without offending or making the student uncomfortable?
Answer:
From the legal perspective, this question has a very simple answer: when it comes to gender, people should be referred to in the way they request to be referred to. So, until the student informs you that the way they wish to be addressed (by name, pronoun, or honorific) has changed, it is good to stick with the last thing they told you.
This is also a good approach from the practical perspective. Not every person who shows physical signifiers typically associated with a change of pronouns is transitioning. Some people may experience physical changes, but their gender will remain the same. Still others may have zero perceptible physical changes but need to change names and pronouns.[1] All of which are compelling reasons to let the people take the lead in defining themselves, and not ask, but be ready to listen if they make a request.
That said, your instinct that this student may at some point ask to be referred to in a different way might be right on, and it is good to recognize that your support may be important to them.
So: how can a worker support a co-worker by letting them know they would honor a request to change a defining[2] part of their identity?
Unfortunately, some of the most fundamental ways to create a trans-inclusive work environment—policy, and leadership action—might not be accessible even to a supervisor. Policies governing use of name tags, signature lines, and other ways of normalizing clarity of pronoun use and inclusive language (not starting meetings with "ladies and gentlemen",[3] for instance) can all be used to create an environment where it might be easier for a person to define themselves.[4]
But what about supervisors and co-workers who can't control all of that?
In the higher education environment, it is important to remember that for student workers, their relationship with co-workers may be one of the more meaningful routine interactions a student has with a supportive elder/mentor. That spirit is part of this question; the member has known the student for years and wants to let them know they can safely embrace any new identity with them.
But the fact is: the student will likely only take that step when they feel it is safe for the student to do so.
So, rather than asking, it is best to simply let the student know that you are a person who cares for their well-being, and that you respect the person they are. If you would like, you can also model that you are personally trans-inclusive, by saying or displaying supportive things (even a button or sticker can be a positive sign to someone seeking support).
But at the same time, co-workers seeking to support a person need to remember that as a co-worker, they are only a part of an overall work environment. While a co-worker may be supportive, a person might not be ready to trust the entire work environment with a name change or other shift in identity. That is a personal decision, and the best thing a co-worker can do is empower that person and give them the time and space to make it themselves.
By letting a person know you respect them, and that you value them, you create the space for them to share what's important to them on their own terms.
So, my HR advice is to not ask, but to consider the ways in which your work and work environment provides you with opportunities to create an inclusive space for both your co-worker and for all people who are LGBTQ+.
Thank you for a compassionate question.
[1] And specifically with respect to this question... many people create art under pseudonyms, and experiment with different aspects of their identity without wanting to bring that identity to their professional environment.
[2] I say "defining" because for many, gender identity is a core part of identity. That said, that is not the case for every person, and for those who do not identify with a gender, that is also a protected form of identity.
[3] As a woman, I have always bristled as being called a "lady" in this way, which suggests an archaic servility, at worst, and a well-groomed power mode, at best. I do like to start meetings with a named greeting, so "co-workers" or "teammates"—or whatever factor unites the attendees—is a good substitute.
[4] For example, New York's model anti-harassment policy, which specifies that it is against the law to deliberately mis-gender somebody. Adopted in 2023 and found here as of September 11, 2023: https://www.ny.gov/combating-sexual-harassment-workplace/sexual-harassment-prevention-model-policy-and-training. This is especially critical for work environments, like libraries, where workers may be public-facing.
